“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me :
All Day At Night
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER