“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
selfie game
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with