I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid