[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
You Might Also Like
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Whisper out to librarians!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip