My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]