Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)