“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Discuss
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room