Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Saturday
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.