police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
step 6: release the wall snake
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
back to work
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.