i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?