Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
A sick whale is called an unwhale
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby