A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
spicy snake
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.