“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You Might Also Like
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago