Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?