Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
titanic
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit