Saving my good tweets for marriage
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.