Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

⚰

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god