Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.