Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I am, perchance
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.