PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two