Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.


Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.


Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.


I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.


Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.