Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
You Might Also Like
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*3.5 thank you very much.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me :
All Day At Night
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish