Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Finally
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?