Finally
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
This is the best one I’ve seen
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
waiting for halloween be like:
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.