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@DudeMass

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@lazerdoov

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.