Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING