[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts