[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Simple
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.