“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
scares
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.