me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Social distancing in Australia:
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor