Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents