Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps