@68Cly29

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

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@sundaecone888

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

@michimama75

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@MoiraInMpls

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents