me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!