I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
this could fix me
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.