Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I have a black belt in leather
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.