I have a black belt in leather
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
never deleting this app.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.