*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”