I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.