me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-