@TheAndrewNadeau

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

You Might Also Like

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@trevso_electric

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

@badbanana

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

@GrowlyGrego

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

@shegotagronk

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

@elunatyk

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.