me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.


No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.


“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.


I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.


I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.