*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”