Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You Might Also Like
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: