Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.