I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
incredible book dedication
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
No, he would not have.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Customize Your Wedding.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…