Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!