This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
calling in to work dehydrated
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.