There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.