[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way