married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.