Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter