*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.


Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]


[audience gasps]


HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.


if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed


If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.


Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.


Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.


SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here