*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You Might Also Like
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting