@im_all_id

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

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@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@kibblesmith

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

@QwertyJones3

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

@tfcarter09

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

@BruceForce

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

@OctoberJones

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

@ShootyDoody

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

@mamapjs1

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

@aligarchy

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here