[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly