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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of āNiceā dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize Iām eating chips and watching TV and Iām not annoyed anymore.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
if you think youāre having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You think youāve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Happens to everyone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driverās body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him āSticks and stones may break my bonesā they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said ābut chains and whips excite meā he seriously thought that was he second part.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Her: What did you get for Valentineās Day?
Me: Drunk!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we canāt write that
Newton: ok then write this āthe grater the mass the greater the force of attractionā