I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
(Gaming support cat.)
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
yeah not falling for this one
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”