rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Pizza is an emotion right?
quarantine day 3
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*